2 Months   September 23, 2010, 01:04m
[edit] | [delete]
I was told yesterday by charlie, that she doesn't know I've kept it all together in the last 2 months, well as people often know/read/hear my life is a little bit a of a struggle... most the time. But i'm so used to being this way, I don't really question it anymore, i just plod on through, smile laugh and well.... in the long ive developped my sarcastic sick sense of humour.

In all honesty, the other day I burst. And the truth is, even though I am... well... content in my life. I'm single at the moment, I'm not in a good way though.. suppose thats contradictory too. I teriibly miss my grandad, and i dream of him a lot, ive visited his grave most times that I've been home, and I always talk to him. I wish i could hear him talk to me in my dreams but he's alwyas silent.. maybe it's just his new way and he just wants to watch over me.. keep me out of trouble.
Normally when i'm single, well I'm a bit of a er... schlag lol. But this time I'm being quite well behaved, even though I suppose I well. shouldnt be. I am really ill again, not really on a mental level, well... as a result of other things i guess you can say i am

Ive finally found an osteopath that has given me hope, im going for tests and xrays to see if i have an inflammotory joint disorder or something, lets face it, my back pain isnt getting beter anymore just after a snap crack and aghhhhh. Its getting worse, and its affecting everything, my sex life, well... solo sex life, work life, going out wiht my friends, all sorts of things... its not good at all. thus creating miserable me. But Im now making changes and doing things about it... going to the docs for one, taking waaaayyy too many painkillers which a)numb the pain, but b) make me a superbitch or realy really hyper.. and drowsy.. its weird as hell... people pay a lot more money for the illegal stuff.. this weird codene stuff i get, is marvellous lol... ok im not a drug user, but honestly...its pretty gooood.

Lately, I have had to put aspects of my life on hold, because well.. im not looking for that in my life at the moment, and it sucks but its the way it shud be for now. I need to sort me out, rather than... getting into things and forgetting that well... stuff building up and not dealin with it. Im a lot clearer now Im making these changes and a lot more content and sound. its kinda good, and I am doing the things I want to do.

I believe that you shud never change for anyone, and shudnt be controlled. and my fear is that. I can't be something im not to make someone happy, despite how much i love them or care for them. Im not a bitter person in nature, admitedly ive been an angry bugger and lashed out, been nasty to a few exes of mine, well. one.. and i apologise for that. Things didnt work out, yeah, its shit but... i aint holding any grudges at all, i still care, and im still here if they ever need a mate or a laugh. And well... i aint gonna ever change, as I promised 2 months ago when we parted. And well... i have moved on from then, as well.. i have to if i want to or not. And I just need to be me, have fun/..as i keep rambling... sort me bloody back out and start dancing in the streets again getting crunk and well... doing what the qofu does best...

So... if anyone is reading this, give me a call/text, drop me a line whenver u want a laugh, some fun, go get crunk... cos well... Bollocks.. u only live once eh? xxxxx
Mood: Content
Music: Lollipop - Lil Wayne... i dnt know why either lol

>>
2 comments
I love this song..... hits me on so many levels September 13, 2010, 09:37m
[edit] | [delete]
[link]

>>
leave a comment
I'm so glad. September 03, 2010, 03:00m
[edit] | [delete]
I'm so glad for several things

I'm so glad I have good friends, real friends who don't care who I am, what i'm feeling.. they love me for being me
I'm so glad I have family who love and are so proud of me.
I'm so glad I have a job where I do well, work hard, get paid well and again have a great network of friends there.
I'm so glad I still have my cameras, my artwork and my abilities to photograph anything, and my new found abilities to draw.
I'm so glad that depsite what I've been through in the last few months I still have my pride, my self respect and my dignity.
I'm so glad that even though I lost a great man in my life, his memory lives on.

I'm so glad I never introduced the most important man in my life to people who weren't worthy of knowing him.
I'm so glad, that I have myself, me, my life
I'm so glad I am... after all life has shat on me, that I have the ability to live my life to the full...
I'm so glad that Karma, is a bitch and will soon bite you in the ass.
I'm so glad, I'll have the last laugh.
I'm so glad, I am... Pen

Enjoy!
Mood: accomplished
Music: Never again

>>
leave a comment
Less than 6 Months September 01, 2010, 10:00m
[edit] | [delete]
Less than 6 Months to go til New York.
Worky poos til then, then earning loads of money lol. Gonna be there for 8 days.
And some point next year, i'm going doing to a post grad in valencia, although if that doesnt fall through i'm taking a one way ticket to well..outta here and travelling. Bored of the UK, it doesnt have much value to me... full of ignorant posh bastards who haven't opened up their eyes enough... well and chavs.

Just for the record, I know life is pretty amazing, but life sucks right now considering what I'm going through, and I use a blog to vent. Deal with it or simply don't read my blog... your choice. Life is full of ups and downs and mistakes...well...lol. I aint gonna start... cos apparently I hate you don't I... trust me I don't hate anyone (well some girl called Katrina who fucked my mate over).. but i can't do a good job pretending.

Anyway im in desperate need for a piss.... and shower cos ive gotta leave in like 45 mins

ttfn.... im not a cunt for the record, or wat u think I am... but then who knows me really?


Mood: Upndownupndownupndown
Music: Time bomb - iration (no it doesnt fit)

>>
leave a comment
Sacrifice August 31, 2010, 11:24:am
[edit] | [delete]
I think i may have blown it and upset a few people. Im really sorry.
I hate the silence, and I hate not having someone talk ing to me. It hurts a lot, and well.. i shouldn't care. I don't want to care, but I do.
I hate the ways I'm feeling, and it shouldn't be there.
I can do better than this, but I don't want to. There is really no point to life.. ive lost far too much, and there isn't any thing to gain.
*Sigh*... I'll be miserable for a long time now, the only thing that keeps me going and happy/sane is my friends.. but there is that moment, where it all comes flooding back, in a dream, in all sorts.. of something I want but can't have. Something that is very very bad for me and well... I'm too good for...
I don't know what to do anymore?... Either way, I'm going to be unhappy...and its a total catch 22 situation regardless if i wanted things a certain way, cos i'm not good for people either... definitely not good enough for anyone.
Mood: Sadness, unhappiness, aching
Music: Love the way you lie